It's about perspective

I looked up body dysmorphic disorder this morning. I do not suffer from something this extreme. But I do have a skewed version of what I look like. For a long time, I've felt like I need to worry about what I wear so I don't look too masculine. It probably didn't help that in college I tried to blend (or maybe disappear) and in physics that meant wearing oversized t-shirts and shapeless jeans. I had to buy men's boots for my first super-freezing winter at school, and a men's leather biker jacket (I didn't have to buy this, but I had to buy a men's size to fit my shoulders in a sweater in it). And more than once I was mistaken for a man from behind.

Given that I'm six feet tall and not super curvy, and was wearing a large biker jacket one of those times, I can see how that happened. And that it doesn't mean I look like a man.

I still worry that I do, though.

I also realized over the winter that I feel a lot bigger than I actually am. The shoulders require me to buy at least one size up from what the rest of my upper body needs as far as size goes. I have to do a quick-cross-my-arms-in-front-of-me test for any shirt or jacket to make sure it won't tear if I go to pick up something. So yes, I have broad shoulders. And big feet. And that is about it.

Yet I feel huge a lot. Or I feel like my thighs are big. And I blame a lack of perspective.

Or the existence of perspective. Or both.

This is what I see when I look down on my legs and feet from my towering 72 inches.


So if my feet are already big, my thighs must be huge. And those pants look like 80's pleated things. Ugh.

But let's see this same person, a minute later, from the side.



Uh huh. Not quite the same. The shoulders are still broad, and now the legs look completely different. Where this those mom pants go? Who is this woman? Oh, wait, that's me. And right now, with my decreased appetite and Baby A's increased energy (really? has she started fusing Helium now instead of Hydrogen? where does this child get the calories to do what she does?), I'm skinny. Even if I don't "feel" skinny.

I think I need to stop looking earthward for a while, at my feet. Perspective can be problematic. So can a culture obsessed with women as objects and women's looks, but let's face it, perspective isn't helping.