Control control control

Ohmigodseriously, stop. Just stop, I tell myself after the fact. Stop trying to force your kid to do what you want. What is it with wanting to control others? To get them to stop picking their nose so much it bleeds, for instance. Ooh, sounds serious. The kid should really stop that.

Why?

Because it will keep bothering her, at which point, especially when tired, she will keep bothering me.

Hmm. Will she die of this condition?

No.

Will I?

.....no.

I have this habit of trying to verbally coerce my kid to stop doing something, or to say thank you or to share or to...whatever it is I want. And while part of that action is well meaning, another part is about control. About winning. I have some ideas where this desire in me comes from, but what I'm sure of is that it is not something I want to keep doing. Making her scared so that she'll do something. Or ashamed. Or the like.

I don't like a part of myself right after we've had this kind of interaction, which tells me there is something not quite noble about it.

So my new mantra is: "Ask. Listen. Let it go...for at least a day." Basically, find out why she does it. Listen to her. Maybe explain why you don't want her to do it (but not with exaggerated consequences) And, really, just drop it for 24-hours. She won't die. I won't die. And she'll get to be in control of herself. Which is how I think it should be.

I guess it isn't colic, then.

Colic is supposed to peak at 6 weeks. We're way past that, and let's just say that intestinal gas issues still come up with a vengance. Not every day, which makes me hyper-vigilant about what I ate the day before, but enough that this baby can be tough to put down. He needs to be carried, soothed, if I want to have quiet. If I was okay with screaming, well, that'd be different.

So he's just had a tough 24 hours, which begs the question...why am I unable to sleep at 2am? Hint: it isn't because I'm so well rested from the day. Perhaps it is the opposite, that my brain thinks I need alone time and has decided to provide it in the middle of the night. My night brain doesn't seem to be in consultation with my day brain - the one that has to do all the soothing and not-sleeping.

Here I am, then. Awake. And I can feel the buzz that means I won't be asleep for another hour at least. Lest you be tempted to tell me to stop using a computer, I was already awake for an hour, in a dark room, doing breathing and abdominal muscle exercises in an attempt to fall back asleep. Shouldn't have tried to burp him and change a diaper with very little in it. Maybe then I would have fallen back asleep. And maybe then the next 24 hours would have been bad like yesterday. Maybe maybe maybe.

I'm not very directed right at this moment. My thoughts aren't really collecting to make a point. I'm just awake and decided to write.

Almost three months on, and at least we're surviving. No one is all that well rested, now that A is also waking in the night again - nightmares, coughing, having-a-new-brother-who-takes-her-mom's-time-a-lot. And there is also the small one. Still waking 2-3 times a night. Still waking around 5 or 6 am fussy, and somehow my body keeps not understanding that that is my new waking hour.

The almost three month update: J is a smiley smiley guy when he's not in digestive distress. A loves her brother fiercely and keeps him supplied with lots of passionate head and foot kisses. I didn't gain much weight pregnant, so there is not that much to lose, although for those who think I'm managing a miracle, let me dissuade you - I'm still wearing pregnancy jeans and I've started working with a personal trainer at home to get my back and my nether-regions back in shape - not because I'm going to be out at the beach soon, but because I don't want to be worried about jumping and sneezing. I'm on a mild herbal anti-depressant to help with the waking-in-the-middle-of-sleep-due-to-screaming-baby situation. Our dog sitter is gone for two weeks and let's just say the dog is better than I thought at "holding it." All our visitors (friends and family) got us through to this point, where I can actually manage a sinkful of dishes twice a week, laundry (we're tlaking underpants and baby clothes...the bare minimum) once a week, and paying the bills myself while also having a baby around.

Oh, there is also a babysitter helping a lot because, wow, two kids at once, on my own, is not something I've managed to survive more than 2 times these last three months.

I also happen to be fairly happy and quite taken with both my children. When I'm fully conscious.