Tuesday, August 24, 2010

"Everyone goes through this...."

I kind of hate that phrase. Especially now that Baby A is going through her transition phase starting daycare. And I keep hearing it applied to separation anxiety. Yes, yes, I know, it is part of her developing and awareness of object permanence and realizing something (or someone) is gone. And babies learn the concept of leaving before they learn the concept of returning. So I might never be coming back when I say goodbye. So no wonder she cries.

But I’m suspicious of how often people say “every baby goes through that.” It is such a generalization. Not every baby goes through it in the same way. My daughter screams like her toe got cut off when you take away your wallet she has just been playing with. When she is tired or hungry. She doesn’t just sniffle. She tells it….forcefully.

And she works herself up something fierce, again, mostly when she is tired and hungry.

So when I look for advice on getting her used to a daycare during this sensitive time, I’m tired of just hearing about staying with her for a bit and then saying a quick goodbye. Duh. Really. That is, like, the zero-th order thing we’ve done. I want to hear about more subtle issues and tricks. Like making sure she isn’t too close to needing a nap when I leave. Like maybe inviting the teacher to our apartment for an hour, to help Baby A see us include her in our “pack.”

I get that often there isn’t enough time for parents who need to go back to work to do a long transition period, but Baby A’s nights mirror her days. And let me tell you, you’d much rather she had a day without much screaming. Because when night comes,…

And I have the time to make this a slow transition. To try out a few different things each time we go, to watch her and judge if I’m better leaving before hand washing and the snack, or after the song.

I don’t doubt that almost all children go through a stage of separation anxiety. And that almost all of them (including my daughter) will cry when I leave her at daycare. I just wish there was a more rich discussion on-line or in books (yes, I know I promised to stop reading those) about the variety of the separation anxiety experience. Instead, it feels like “they all go through it, so drop them off, short goodbye, and leave fast and distract yourself quickly so you don’t feel so guilty.”

Sorry. That doesn’t work for me. I want to stay, just around the corner, to hear how long and how strong she cries. Sure it makes it harder on me, but I’m the adult. I can manage my anxiety about it. I want to be able to judge how to proceed with the rest of the day once I pick her up, whether to try a different phase to leave her, and hear with my own ears, how this departure went. I’m glad when the teacher can tell me she is doing relatively well, compared to other kids. It is an important piece of information. But I need to know, on my own scale, how she did, too.

At this point, she cried loud and strong and then proceeded to explosively poo herself two days in a row when I left. Today, she got a teeny nap before we left for daycare, and the teacher and I decided in the moment that I should leave while they were going for handwashing, a time when Baby A gets held in the teacher’s arms and is involved in a change of tasks and a novel environment. And she still cried, but not so strongly. It took 1 minute instead of 5 for her to calm down.

As I sit here in the daycare office, I can once again hear her cry, but it is coming from the bathroom. She isn’t so fond of changing tables right now, so I know these are tears that might still be there even if I was there. And I feel better. We’re both going to do okay here.

The practice baby

We call baby A “monkey,” but technically, the nickname is Monkey #2. That is because the pupper, our beloved Heeler mix, who we have had for 5 ½ years is the original “monkey,” now Monkey #1.

We used to call Monkey #1 our “practice baby,” but I was a bit hesitant to say that around parents when we still didn’t have kids. I thought that they might get offended at us comparing a dog to a baby. I figured I’d stop doing it once we had a child because I would realize that the two are so different, and the relationship between us and a dog was nothing like that between us and baby A.

But that isn’t true. The pupper was totally a practice baby in some really great ways. When we first moved to Switzerland, we already had to limit going out a bit since we don’t leave the dog in the crate for more than 4-5 hours. That is just our rule, that if we want to have a dog we want to not just put her away more often than not. If we are to have a dog, our lives can change, and some things can get a bit harder in accommodating her because she makes other things in our lives so much better. We laugh more with her antics, we definitely see the outdoors more and spend more time walking with her. All of this is good. And when one of us has gone away for the night, the other one had a snuggle buddy if we needed one.

We also learned to use positive reinforcement, like time outs, to discipline her, and that having a “well-behaved” dog was more about consistency with rules than about punishment. Time-outs for the dog, a quick “uh-oh!” and 15-30 seconds in the crate, followed by a try-again, are a common tool in our house.

So when baby A arrived, some things were already familiar to us. Less going out – already been there. Being okay with a new member of the family changing some of what we can do – not so new. Knowing that some things are just due to temperament, be it a dog that wants to destroy all cats or a baby who forcefully protests what she does not like. And how I feel leaving Baby A at her new daycare – not too different from how I felt the first time the Pupper walked away led by her daycare person on her leash. I know to look for smiles and tail wags to help me know that they are both ok with other people.

And every day, we realize how lucky we are to have such a great dog. She is still herself, even after so many months of being a bit ignored while Baby A cried and didn’t sleep. She still rolls on her back and makes happy growling sounds, she still tries to make off with a plastic baby toy once in a while, she still goes to her crate for our dinnertime. But she is also amazingly patient with Baby A. She has never once growled or nipped at her. She has never given her an “I’m going to eat your face while you sleep” look. She lets her come and pinch her fur, and will even put up with a few grabs of her paw. And then, when she has had enough, she gets up, usually from the comfort of a dog bed, and just goes somewhere else in the apartment. And Baby A, now that she has realized we actually have a dog (which happened around month 5), is enamored. She loves watching the dog come in from a walk or daycare. She laughs when the dog goes through our legs to get some extra petting time. And now she tries to do that, too - instead of going over my knees if they are bent, she goes under.

They are going to be friends. It’s great.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Baby jeans

I ordered some baby clothes for the coming fall and winter for Baby A from the Gap and Old Navy. For some reason, of all the places they ship internationally, only Switzerland and Turkey are on the Europe list. I won't ask why, I'll just count myself lucky.

I just wanted some warmer pants and tops and some long leg pajamas. I'm not a bit fan of baby jeans. Although there was a really cute denim overalls. If they are soft, fine. But no baby needs to have its movement restricted by hard fabrics. (Ok, I may need to rethink my philosophy here, because the idea of slowing this kid down is tempting...)

There I was, on the baby girl "pants" page - because god forbid we let babies all dress without reference to their sex - and there were as many jeans for babies as I remember there being for women in the store! Really? Sure, light wash and dark wash, whatever. But flare vs. skinny vs. boot cut? Really? To go with the baby stilettos they sell? C'mon, like your kid doesn't have enough expectations from you to live up to already.

It makes the Saturday Night Live "baby thong" commercial not so funny anymore. It was funny when it was outrageous. But, what is the point of baby skinny jeans if you've got that big diaper bulge? Best get some thongs to go with it.

Yeah, girl/boy differences are all biological and we have nothing to do with teaching them how to act. It makes me want to keep Baby A in yellows and greens and not tell people on the tram if she is a girl or boy.