I LOOOVE you, just, the way yoooou, aaaare.....

I've been craving new coffee cups. We have these basic white ones, from IKEA, and although they set a very classic table, they are a bit too tall and narrow for my taste. I like to see a big surface area in my hot morning drinks. And all identical white, not as practical for those friends-with-toddlers brunches where you can forget all sitting down at once, not to mention keeping track of your coffee. Little monkeys running and getting into precarious situations, crying, eating, and generally being toddlers don't help anyone's short term recall of which cup was theirs.




I let myself do some test cup shopping, seeing as how my shopping lent is over. One plain white mug from Bodum which is probably the best size and shape (low cylinder), and then two for fun mugs from the campus art and paper supply shop. Ever since my cousin, L, encouraged me to wear that astronomy image tank top "with irony", I've realized how many other things I can do with irony. I give you....

my "born in the USA" mugs. It would be way more fun to have coffee at my place now that with Mr. Bland White Mug, right?




Anyway, I'm slowly getting back to eating my way across the omnivore's diet, and back to consuming things with milk in them, after this past weekend's flu. And at the same time, I've cut my anti-depressant dose in half. Which is the main point of my post.

I don't have my epiphanies all at once, and writing about complex issues helps me get to new places with them. So back to this idea of who "I am", on or off, or 1/2 off (or on) anti-depressants. I'm already a bit worried about how I'll feel, scared that maybe I'm just an irritable person naturally, the real me, and that my options in life are:

(1) nauseous after meals, fatigued after 10 hours of sleep, but fairly unflappable with A, and putting any other kid we might try to have through a gestation with me on medication or

(2) irritable, faster to get flustered by her tantrums (the kid wasn't even started on tantrums when I started the meds last year), more emotionally up and down, and more of a worrier. And who knows what kind of a mess if we ever decide for me to get pregnant again.

Which do I choose? Who am I?

Now I'm pretty sure these won't be my only choices, given how much more complex the world usually is, but for now, that's what I see as my choices. And that first one, apart from the uncomfortable physical feelings, has this air of "unnatural."

So now I'm thinking through that concept. Why unnatural? Or at least, why is that more unnatural that the other things I have used in life that I wasn't born with? Like my super strong glasses. Unnatural. My inhaler. Nope, not something that grows on trees or vines. My vaccines. Natural source but totally unnatural delivery. And let's not forget my whole reproduction story. Un. Natural. I shouldn't have gotten pregnant, or delivered a baby, or breast fed, if we were talking natural. But I don't get hints of disappointment from the same people about that as about my meds. I got it from myself, but long ago decided that nature can be a real bitch, and is really not into empathy (can we just dial back the clock to 1 a.m. last Thursday, when I was holed up in the bathroom, swearing and exploding?).

This "natural" person, then, who exactly is that? Under what conditions is someone more natural (which seems to be the ideal)? And what is the ideal based on? Surprisingly, for me, there seems to be almost a "the way God made you" sense about anti-depressants, and coming from non-believers (including me). But again, what is the benchmark for this person? I think each of us has to choose the balance for ourselves, because the choices are so dependent on culture, on the way our bodies turned out, our current situation in life.

So for now I'm trying to not worry too much about whether the lower dose is already making me more irritable (because I think I might feel less exhausted, but then again, I'm recovering from a flu), or whether A is just extra cranky these days. With the babysitter last night, who is like a baby whisperer, she was cranky, too. So I'm going to stick with more cranky for her, instead of me, but keep a little, peripheral vision watch. When do I go from "I know, sweetie, something just doesn't feel good right now" to "Really? C'mon! Just, please calm down"?

And for those who might encourage me to "just not think worry it!", I encourage you to actively not think about cabbage for the next 30 seconds. As you read this. I mean it. How is that not thinking about it going?