Strategizing

There is an extremely defensive, angry little child inside of me right now. Not the baby - my son - he's mostly sleeping (I guess) and kicking and turning. He seems just fine.

It is the other child. The one I used to be, and some days it can feel I still am.

I got an e-mail saying I just didn't seem very interested in an employment position that I've been quite uncertain of how to read correctly. I've made advances, and been told to wait, or been put on hold, or other such things, and have felt that, in fact, it was the other way around.

And my first instinct was to fire back a very aggresive e-mail saying, "What? What parts of (a), (b), and (c) indicated I wasn't interested? And how about you being on holiday or too busy for months? Or this, or that?!" I so want to justify myself. To defend myself.

But for some reason, by some miracle, the adult in me has shown up and calmly said "wait a sec." Make no mistake, the kid is still itching for a fight, but the adult has some good points that I'm trying to let sink in.

(1) This may be the kind of person who accuses others of what they hope happens. Don't want to go to dinner with that friend after all? Oh, just tell them they've seemed distant lately and that you weren't sure they actually wanted to see you. Flip it around on them, so you get off the hook AND they actually take the blame.

(2) The email could also have been about their perception, and not my intentions. I've been quite confused about this opportunity, especially, given I have no official status with them, how much I can step in an take control of a project I've been proposing. I get mixed messages about who is in charge and what they want. But maybe I should have been myself and gone in to talk to higher up people instead of listening to those who told me to wait. Maybe I should have been more pushy than worrying about stepping on toes.

(3) I've actually been wondering what this is all going to look like and if the way things have been handled indicate it isn't the kind of place I want to work, anyway. So, in this case, this is an out for me, if I want one. Or at least a chance to think about how much I want to pursue this.

At the end of the day, I'm approaching possible unemployment and trying to keep my options open. I have no idea what I'll be doing in 6 months, apart from sending 2 kids to 2 schools and hoping that I don't have too much free time after that that is not spent feeling somewhat productive and needed. Everyone needs a bit of that in their lives - to feel needed, valued. And for me, some of that, even just 10 hours a week, needs to be in a job. I'm not a full-time, stay-home mom. It isn't my strength.

So here I sit, thinking about how to distract myself enough not to respond to that email this morning. To wait for afternoon, and to wait to calm down a bit. What do I actually want, if this isn't about defending my honor? Or maybe there is still room to say "wait a sec, that's not really how this has gone, so let's meet again and discuss what we each actually want."

Don't know.