Managing my anxiety instead of someone else

I think we must all do it, to a greater or lesser degree. Some interaction stresses us out, because of what someone is saying or doing, because of how it makes us feel or emotions it brings up in us. Next thing you know, you're trying to lessen your anxiety...by yelling at or trying to manage someone else.

The first version is easier to spot. The dog grabs a bread roll from the dining room table, I snap at my kid for spilling her water. Or, more likely, my husband says something that upsets me, I snap at my daughter for spilling her water. The snapping, yelling or anger tends to be directed down the chain of power. Instead of towards the person we're upset with.

The second version is more subtle. And now that I write about it, I think it probably can even be directed back at the person who triggered it, but with a different target that doesn't admit to what the actual problem is. My husband says something about work that upsets me, I later berate him for not taking care of himself. But it can also be directed just away from the self.

Third version - I do (or fail to do) something which makes me scared, worried, disappointed in myself, and I get anxious. And no one wants to feel bad about oneself, so I promptly try to manage away the anxiety...by making someone else's life my target. I try to manage my kid's getting dressed, my spouse's health, my cousin's decisions, because it is easier to preach to another than it is to work on oneself. It is easier to choose for another person the "right choices" than it is to step away from that hidden stash of chocol...I mean choose the "right choices" for myself. It is so easy for me to see what "you just need to do" to get out of your difficulty, and forget that I am unable to get out of mine, and that that is where I should actually be focusing my attention.