What sucks.

You know what sucks?

The fact that I was sick with a sore throat just before coming home from the hospital, baby A had a great night the first night home, only waking once (needing our intervention) to feed, and then got my cold just as I was stopping pumping milk.

I made the decision to finally stop because at 3 hours/day, it was time I could have spent enjoying her or doing a bit of something for myself. And today, I'm still coughing and having trouble sleeping, she is sleeping less and having a hard time falling asleep, and it feels like the one reason I decided to stop feeding her breast milk is moot. Total loss.

I guess I really still do believe that good things happen to good people. And I was trying to be so good, and grown up, and make an adult decision.

We had 24 hours with her home, happy, all of us doing so well. Then last night she kept waking up because she was coughing and the binky kept falling out, or because she just had a hard time settling. A month of good nights at the hospital, one at home, and now a cold.

Yes. I know. The cold will pass. But we had hope that the month of good sleep would rub off on her here at home, at least a bit, and we could work towards good nights here. And this was already pushing our luck. Just to hope that we could piggyback on the good sleep habits.

I hear getting the bare minimum accomplished by is the new black.

Am I in a mood? Sure I am. First day home, and on my own, and she and I are sick. And my spirits are not all that solid yet. I just so wanted a grace period to build up momentum.

Were there some good things, too, today? Of course - I had a baby nestle into my chest in her carrier many hours today, just to be close. I got more tissues for the house. We saw baby A's future daycare and it was sweet.

So, head down and keep plowing forward. This all doesn't have to mean anything, or to be preparing us for something else, or in any way intended or directed at us. There is no greater power because if there were, I'd be pissed and expecting some answers. Today is just hard. And I'm just tired. And if I'm not the best me, that is fine.