Two for one

Yes, that's right. Another blog entry on the same day. About 10 minutes after posting the previous one, actually.

Life may be ok, but I still don't get a lot of time by myself on the computer to do much other than find directions, order groceries, and the like. So here I am, on a great sleeping night for baby A, awake from 3:30am to 6am....might as well write some more.

What I didn't put in the last post, and is still on my mind, is this. That whole parent-child-misunderstanding-and-try-again dance is way more subtle that I expected. And I'm finding that the biggest problem for me comes up whenever I am in a mindset of not trusting the meerkat. (That's her new nickname because she sits up like one a lot, on her heels, to get a better look at the world. Totally adorable. That's right, I love my baby. But this kind of love took getting to know her, and her getting to like me, to sink in. So my answer to the question "When did you really fall in love with your baby?" is "at about 6 months.")

Anyway, back to trust issues. Whenever I've made the sad repeat mistake of reading pretty much anything about parenting in a magazine, book or online, I come away with these nasty ideas like "she needs to learn to soothe herself to sleep by crying, or she'll be spoiled later." Ok, first of all, that is a STUPID thing to write about parenting because it is so general and has no information whatsoever about how to apply that principle to your child. Sure, I think I shouldn't rock her to sleep if she can wiggle around a bit on her own, cry a little (quietly), and find her sleep. But that doesn't happen most of the time, and the longest I tried with the crying was horrible. 30 minutes of in and out of the room, trying to figure out what the hell to do in our particular situation where she stands up a lot, drops her binky on the floor because she's crying, etc., etc. I hated it. She hated it. She was terrified of the crib for the next nap. STUPID.

I decided two things that day. 1. I keep trusting her - to slowly get better at sleeping on her own and that if she's having a hard time there is a reason. It can just be a tough day and rocking or a bit more help from me is all she needs to sleep. Here I am wide awake for 3 hours at a horrible time, after all. Everytime I trust her like that, and trust that her screams are important, we do so so so much better. 2. To hell with worrying about spoiling. I would much rather she be a bit "spoiled" (which to me just means not always being pushed to the limit of her capabilities but being given time to be more than ready to acquire a new skill like soothing herself to sleep), than a bit feeling unloved, untrusted, or suspected.

When we go with this approach, I'm not mad at her. I'm calmer, I have more patience, I can apply all sorts of skills to soothe her if I decide to, and I find myself silently rooting for her "You go, baby A! Look at you falling asleep on your own after a bit of crying and some help from me! You did SO well!" while at the door watching, or sitting in the room with my eyes closed. It can be hard not to smile at those times.

I'm proud of her little baby self. And that makes the whole encounter so much better.