You know you've got a problem when...

you quit again, after already quitting. I breastfed a few more times after the last post. In the middle of the night, when baby A is a potentially calmer feeder (if you catch it right) and I was so very tired and couldn't even think of the prospect of her starting to scream in the time it took me to get to the kitchen and prep a bottle. So tired.

And it worked ok. Once during a quiet pre-nap moment on the couch, too. So maybe I didn't have to pump every single time, and I could get some time back, and a little closeness to boot.

But last night, after two really great days (we're married 6 years this last weekend) of morning naps, and meeting people for outings and having some great food delivered while we watched Dr. Who, I was just tired again at 11pm. And she woke up crying. And I had decided to try rocking her back to sleep to see if I could stretch that session until 1am. And instantly Baby A went ballistic.

I tried to breastfeed. Bad idea. She bit me again. Hard. Eyes still closed, screaming. It wasn't her fault. I swore out loud. I was so angry. M came into the room to see if I needed help and I just plopped her down on our mattress and yelled "why won't you fucking sleep?!?" I threw a plush toy. It had a music box inside which made the thud much more satisfying. I threw it again, but I think I'd killed the music box already.

I left the room.

I left M to feed her a bottle, and went to go get my pump.

And I sat in the living room and cried. It was time to quit for real.

The almost totally useless sleep experts here tell me "there is nothing medically wrong with her" and "you should keep her on a feeding and sleeping schedule" and then bring it on home with "if you get overwhelmed, come back to the hospital instead of hurting her or yourself." It boggles my mind how people who worry you might abuse your child would stack more requirements on you. Things to stress out about. Things that make you more nervous when you baby's sleeplessness already has you at the end of your rope.

Anyway, I've quit. For real. I'm considering getting back on some anti-depressant as a way to curb my emotions. If I'm not going to get more sleep anytime soon, I can't afford to feel angry. Sure, ecstatic also goes by the wayside, but at least anger and irritation are out of the picture.

I so didn't want to have to go this far, but what are you going to do when the hope coping mechanism has been removed? I'm not religious anymore, but there sure are some moments when having a deity who is "putting you to a test, designed for you, that won't be more than you can take" would be really useful. As soon as we monkeys got up on two feet and realized we are mortal and that evolution doesn't give a hoot about our happiness or sanity, religion probably saved a lot of homo sapiens from jumping off the nearest cliff.

Tune in next time to see how I got some hope back and how I keep underestimating the Swiss.