I quit.

How did it get to be 2 weeks later already?

Well, that second trip back to the hospital was partially brought to us by the letter "R" - for rotavirus. Baby A caught a stomach bug the first time in the hospital. Nice. Great.

We went back, stayed another 5 days. Her sleep got better again - some problems more like at home, but they chalked it up to the virus. Now that we're home again, virus over, and sleep problems back, I'm not so sure. I think they were seeing some of the middle of night screaming we get here and thinking it was virus discomfort. Her waking schedule started moving closer to our home one.

Anyway, we got back, had one good night, one so-so night, and then....back-in-the-hole! And in the last 8 days, 7 bad nights and one in the middle, strangely quiet. More like the hospital. Of course now I keep obsessing what we did differently that night. Bottle at 7pm instead of right before bed....nope, 2 more times that hasn't worked. Me wearing a hairpin to part my hair on the right? Also, not the solution. Today I'm trying out a long afternoon nap for her, the other thing in the sleep/eat/cry log we've been keeping for 3 weeks now (that is an example in the photo), that preceded some other good nights of sleep.

Ah, right, quitting. Well, a few weeks ago I finally posted that, damn in, I want to breastfeed. But now baby A has 2 front teeth, and breastfeeding was still going rough. And in a moment of struggling (with my milk? with stomach pains? with gas?) she bit me and drew blood. Another few times, bit again, and I just got so nervous and watchful that nothing was nice or relaxing about it anymore. She was getting used to the faster flow bottles from the hospital, and since we were trying to feed her less often, just so freaked out by the time mealtime came, that breastfeeding didn't have a chance anymore.

I'm still pumping for every meal, and we supplement with formula. I made it 5 months, and I'm proud of that, but I do still get a little emotional putting away the last few nursing tops that were in the dryer. Into the box with maternity and newborn clothes. I'll still be a bit jealous of women and babies for whom it goes better.

But I'm ready to just say that the Baby A/mama combo wasn't going to make it any further with the breast feeding. I already had "said goodbye" one day a few weeks ago before going back to the hospital. And when I tried one last time yesterday, it was a disaster. No going back, people. It isn't the same anymore. Time to move on, like only I could have decided.

She now drains a bottle in under a minute sometimes. But still goes a bit too fast and needs lots of burping and resting. Chokes sometimes. Spits up. The food just isn't attached to my body anymore.

Who knows how long I can keep up pumping. Maybe another few weeks? We will see. The doctors said she was probably ready to start on mushed veggies already, but I know that I can't manage yet another food source until I get a bit more sleep at night.

Ok, I'm rambling and boring even myself at this point.

Just do me a favor, ok? Just for this week? For another 2-3 days? Don't tell me how happy you are that your baby isn't teething yet or how much you love breastfeeding. Because I'm still sad. By Monday I'll be fine. I'll adjust. But just not in the next few days. Thanks.