Its okay, its really okay, pretty little birdies, its gonna be okay

That’s a rough translation of what I’ve been singing in Lithuanian to Baby A on our evening walks when she’s blowing off steam from the day. I imagine I’ll still have to sing it sometimes, once we leave the hospital and start going outside, on stimulating tram rides or to restaurants full of people.

But for now, it is okay, really okay, and no need for the song in a few days. We’ll go home soon to try out her new sleep pattern. Turns out she slept long on breastmilk, too. So, I can continue to breastfeed at least partially. This makes me happy.

The nurse who keeps “suggesting” that we switch to formula and I stop breastfeeding, she doesn’t make me so happy. When we first got to the hospital and they asked us what we wanted, we said to know if she is in pain or sick, to help her sleep better. And I said that I would like to continue breastfeeding but only if it wasn’t stressful for her (meaning, allergies from my milk, painful reflux). Somehow this nurse has managed to hear “I’m willing to stop” and no more. She keeps trying to make A go longer and longer between meals, instead of keeping in mind that I need to feed some minimum amount of times per day to keep my milk production up. She switched to a larger nipple on the bottle this morning while I was still at home. Again, that’s not going to help A keep breastfeeding contently. And I’m sick of the “well she gets frustrated on the breast” argument. This nurse had no qualms trying to force feed her when she first got there, and made her scream, or to put her to nap while she was screaming in protest. Or to leave her cry for a few minutes in the crib during the day to learn to play on her own. Woman, stop messing with my baby to make her what you want. You wonder why I come back so soon in the morning? I don’t trust you to help me keep breastfeeding safe. Or to give my baby enough attention, quite frankly.

I don’t want to stop holding her for more hours a day than this nurse would approve of. I don’t want her to get used to eating a lot really fast, every 5 hours. She still has reflux, the spit-up kind, and that doesn’t help it. And, damn it…..I. WANT. TO. BREASTFEED.

It doesn’t hurt Amelija, it doesn’t do her harm, it gives us time together, I can produce enough, and when she is still hungry I am happy to supplement. But I am sick of feeling selfish. I want to breastfeed. Is this clear? Is the phrasing confusing somehow? I want to breastfeed. That is my business, as long as the baby gets enough food. Not the nurse’s business, not someone else’s business. This is my relationship with my daughter, and if she agrees to breastfeed, I want to keep doing it. And since we are training her to sleep better, I am allowed to try to train her to feed more calmly. Jesus, I’m sick of apologizing.

I guess I just had to get to this point. I said it. I’m done.

She has slept for 4 and 5 hours at a time the last many nights, by the way. Now I need to retrain myself to do the same.