Solitude

There is a great radio show on Canadian CBC radio called "Tapestry." L told me about it some 3 or 4 years ago and I wind up at their website about every 6 months, listening to one show. On Sunday, after a late wake up, I made a pseudo tortilla (baby potatoes in butter, ham, eggs, asiago cheese on top) which came out really nicely, and put on an episode of Tapestry that was called "Solitude." What a great show - as they all seem to be, regardless of topic. It is a show that deals with spirituality. Not religion necessarily, but spirituality in a broader sense. People's experiences of some divine or overwhelming something (it doesn't have to be god), or their search for answers to questions about meaning, or just a show about the quietness of autumn.

Anyway, this episode was about a man, Robert Kull, who spent a year on an island off the coast of Chile (and got a PhD for writing about it!), completely alone. It was a reflection on his anxiety, on his troubles and also the calm or joy he found sometime. What I really liked about it was how honest we was about these experiences. About searching for enlightenment, about hating the wind and thinking it was out to get him, about everyday person feelings. No preaching, no hero's stories. Oh, and he has a prosthetic leg too. Really nice interview with the host. And a good reminder that even though in some, fundamental way we are all ultimately alone in this world, we are also all part of the universe. And, on a more pedantic, but maybe more comforting level, there are other people who also have the same fears, anxieties, and questions I do. For him it was small versus big mind, whereas I call it the everyday world versus the actual world. But for both of us, there remains the question of how to live with the knowledge of both (the jobs, bank accounts and fashion magazines on one hand, and the suffering in the world and eventual death of each person on the other).

I especially liked what he said about not being able to force yourself from one viewpoint to the other just because you want to go from petty to meditative. Time to order another book - his year on this island is chronicled in a book called Solitude which is apparently not just all happy or heroic.

I found myself in the basement of an H&M store today, looking desperately (in an everyday world sort of way, obviously...no real crises there) for a sleevless white tunic for summer. Something to accomodate the growing belly. And as I turned the corner towards the dressing rooms with some not-so-ideal options in hand, there it was. A miracle. I almost started laughing. H&M has a maternity clothes line now! And suddenly I had 4 pairs of pants, 4 tops and 2 dresses to try on. All cut to fit my current (and impending) shape. I don't even know if the department stores here have maternity clothing. I'm not quite sure where all the preggo's shop. But I know where I shop. Ha ha ha. What a great surprise. I came home with, ahem, more than I've bought in a while. And for the first time, the fact that H&M's clothing doesn't last more than a few seasons is no problem at all. It only has to last that long this time.

I smiled all the way home, through a longer-than-expected trip to the bank, and having to stop for some groceries (and toothpaste - had to use Listerine this morning instead). And then the BBC World News. Death and injuries in China. And on another channel, a show about British teenagers with cancer. And there is the real world again, in full glory, shouting about how we're all just mortal, and there is nothing that says we won't be gone tomorrow. When it butts up against the everyday world, the real world seems so grim and sad. When I take it on its own, it seems big, and mysterious, and I can be okay with being mortal. (I don't believe in an afterlife). But it is the contrast, when both sit side by side, which is hardest to take, which makes me sad. One or the other on its own seems quite self-consistent (even if one seems much more shallow than the other), but side by side, they're not the best of partners.

Which is why I look forward to getting that Solitude book, to see what Bob there has to say. And maybe just to spend some time reading what another person with similar issues thinks.

Oh, and the dog, after having had a LOVELY time yesterday at the lake with a bit of swimming, was stanky stanky today. So little miss lakesmelly got a bath. Not sure which world that fits in. Lucky animals and their total obliviousness to mortality.