Waiting

I guess the biggest elephant in the room, waiting right now, is this baby. But now that my new inhaler has done its thing and the rain tamped down all that pollen from early spring, it no longer feels so looming.

Right now, it is something completely different. An interaction/negotiation with another person. Someone who wants something different from what I want. And I had to deliver the news about this yesterday.

Basically, I texted (yes, it was by text - my German is best by text and it had to be in German) to deliver news that the other person didn't want to hear. And then that other person texted me back. Many times. With new information, a counter offer to say what I wanted actually was possible, etc., etc.

And I waited.

Usually I don't wait. I'm 40 years old and still used to reacting immediately, and actually feeling like I'm a wuss if I don't. I feel like I'm avoiding something. Hiding. Like I should engage and as soon as the person refutes what I've said, capitulate.

But yesterday, I waited. My brain is fairly slow these days, so I waited because I was overwhelmed. My emotions were running high as well, due to the way the counter-offer was structured. I was upset. I wanted to give a list of other things that were wrong. But I didn't. I waited. And while I waited I practiced looking at my actions as okay, as something I needed to do to give myself time to figure out, now that there was another offer on the table, what it is I really want.

So often in the past I've just given in with something I didn't actually want because I was worried the person would be mad at me, or not like me any more. And that need to be liked drove my down a different path than I actually wanted. In the end I would wind up even more upset at a person who didn't realize that was happening. I would reach a point where I couldn't even negotiate any more I was feeling so used. And I sort of did it to myself, by not letting myself have the time to clarify what was important.

Today, I'm still waiting a bit, to see what my other options are, and there will probably still be a text that I'm not happy to send. One that could make the other person upset with me. I still don't want to talk face to face because I've found that very confusing in the past with this individual. I don't want to be swayed, I don't want to try my hardest to say what I want and have it misunderstood. I want to be clear, and so I'll probably do this by text. And that is okay.

As is the waiting.

Doing the right thing doesn't mean everyone likes you at the end. Doing the right thing just means you tried your best to be clear, and not drag things out when you were sure you were done.