Different kinds of anger

I had a great conversation with a friend by phone last week. We live a few hours away from each other, and I think we do our best work with an hour-long call every 6-9 months. That seems to be how our lives align, and the timescale on which we need an intense session of sorts.

She talks, I talk, about life, what is up with us or bothering us, and in hearing myself talk, I sometimes even hear good advice. We get further together, hashing out a problem, than we do separately.

And this time it was about anger. Good stuff.

About how anger can be a protective device around the parts of ourselves that are still too raw, or not good at keeping boundaries with some people. You know the kinds - the kinds that are just like the toxic personalities we've dealt with in the past and are now almost conditioned to fall in with again. As in "WTF am I doing in this situation AGAIN, the exact one that I promised I'd never be in again?!"

About how anger can be that righteous, noble looking thing that starts major movements for change. The kind that seems almost elegant.

About how anger can also be that ugly-ish, kid-type tantrum anger that we tend to want to hide, to deny we feel, the stuff that doesn't care about elegance or how much snot or rationality is running down your face. And for this last kind, that it is good not to try to quench it too soon. It may be kind of out of control (and it is our responsibility to figure out how to let it out without hurting others), but that there probably still is that kid inside who wasn't allowed to feel those feelings the first time around. To yell, to scream, to get out the pain. And that in trying to hide it, in favor of more elegant versions, we are once again asking that little kid to reign in those feelings. Not to feel them.

Being angry at someone is okay. And it isn't always pretty.

The second thing we talked about that really hit me was redemption. This friend of mine tends more towards believing in the good in all people than I am - or maybe just in a different way. I'm not a forgiver when a person (1) doesn't really want to deal with the pain they've caused me, and (2) isn't ready to work at changing the behavior. There is nothing to help me forgive. Broken trust? Well, if you're not going to do anything to change that, to regain my trust, then there is no reason to give it - that would just be foolish of me. So although I, too, believe in redemption, and that no one is fundamentally scum of the Earth, I guess I also believe that redemption is such a big deal (as does my friend), so precious, that it is not on offer to people who don't actually want to put in the work to get it. You want forgiveness, be ready to actually earn it. Don't just say "sorry", run away from the painful part of dealing with what you made someone feel, and hope you don't have to actually think about how you treat people.

What I don't mean to say is that I get to judge the goodness of others. I meant to say that instead of me working hard to trust someone who has hurt me, I think trust should come more naturally from actions on their behalf to show that they won't repeat (or at least will do so less, and be much more aware of it when it happens) what hurt me the first time. Saying "sorry" without actions or willingness to deal with the emotions means nothing.