I tried my hardest

It has been quite a while since I've cried at the thought (or discussion) of giving birth to A. It ended in a C-section, one that I'd hoped, dearly, not to have. It used to make me cry just thinking about it. And talking to someone who'd also had one that way? Yup, tears.

But I've been over that for a while now. It just hasn't gotten me that emotional.

Until yesterday afternoon. On the phone with M, from the hospital cafeteria, after a check up and discussion with doctors about my chances of giving birth the, um, usual way. Basically, some of the concern from last time was about my body, and not the baby's heart or stress level. And given that this current one is big enough now, to the doctors it looks enough like last time's situation (my pelvis hasn't changed size) to warrant telling me they'd be fine with scheduling a primary C-section now. This means just planning for one.

But, they are also fine with waiting to see what happens. So, I told M it seems like a 50/50 chance to me that I end up on an operating table again, just a bit sooner this time than 17 into painful back labor.

And I started getting teary eyed. And my voice had that little catch in it, that made talking without crying really slow. And I heard myself say "well, maybe if this baby isn't turned around like A was, and it still ends in a C-section..." (long pause to compose myself) "I'll know that last time I really did try my hardest." Tears.

Hmm. It seems the trying hard enough is what caught me up the most. Not the actual C-section. I know it might happen again. But saying the words "tried my hardest" is what got right to my core. What choked me up.

So now I've been wondering where that comes from. Is it just the steady diet of it throughout my life: charismatic catholics will tell you that if you can't heal a sick person you weren't praying hard enough, a parent tells you that that "B" you got in history was because you didn't work hard enough, a graduate advisor tells you to "go away and think about your question a bit more" because apparently you aren't thinking hard enough, the natural birth and breastfeeding movements tell you that if you didn't do it their way you just didn't care about your child enough, and depressed people are obviously just not looking on the bright side of life enough. Anyone who tries hard enough can be the president of the United States, or any level of successful, in America.

What a horrible interpretation to impose on people's "failure" to achieve some goal. Maybe it is even the setting of the outcome as a goal (as something you can work for and can get to as long as the work is hard, good, long enough) that is horrible.

The fact that I am expecting my second child is not due to trying harder than the friends I have who haven't gotten to this point, but really want to. I'm extremely lucky that my body took to it this time. That the baby worked. Two names come up instantly of women who are currently trying harder than I ever did to get pregnant. Sure, I did a lot, but not in any overall rankings sort of way. It was a lot for me, and then it worked, and then I stopped. Period. Luck smiled on me earlier.

I guess that is a good position to take on my birth experience, too. Other women got to the vaginal birth part earlier, and then they stopped. Period.