Can't be a manager and a mentor to the same person.

A while ago I wrote a post about this dilemma in academia - that professors are supposed to be both managers (getting projects done on time, papers published, grant proposals submitted, fitting postdoc candidates recruited) at the same time as being mentors (encouraging a person to really think about what they want to do with their career, and academia may not be it) to the same people. Which I think is a huge problem.

And I'm not the only one. So many graduate students and postdocs run into trouble with this - the judge and the cheerleader are wrapped up in one person, so of course there will be problems. There is no way for the judge to stay home when she or he goes to be the cheerleader at a student presentation. There may well come a time when that professor has to write recommendation letters for two people from her or his group, for the same position, and will be asked to compare them. How can you possibly be this person, the letter writer, and say "no one is judging you" to a student giving a talk in a journal club or seminar? It isn't possible to not form an opinion. Of course that talk impact how that student will be evaluated some day.

No wonder students don't speak up at journal clubs. More on that later. A lot later. Like, "I'm looking into it research-wise" later.

But the same holds for parents, I think. And I finally made that connection this weekend.

Because, see, we have one child. And that may be where it ends, like it or not. I may never have another. And part of coming to terms with an only child is my confusion about how to teach her to share and play with others. I often find myself stuck between letting her win, take many turns in a row, draw on my drawing, take my food, etc., and asking her to be considerate, holding out until I get a turn, too, etc. And although I think at some level a parent can be both mostly the giver but also ask for consideration, I realized this weekend that I can't be both her sibling/friend and her parent.

I am the parent. That will never change. She'll have to learn more about sharing toys and turns from friends who get grumpy when she doesn't. I can't play that role for her because it will start edging into my parental role - which is also nurturer.

Now, I don't mean to say that I'm not going to get grumpy myself when she keeps kicking me in the ribs when I've asked her not to. And I've already decided that I may not be able to stop the boogie-licking, but I don't have to stay in the room watching it like some horror film I didn't mean to buy tickets so. But I do mean that when we play, I don't have to push so much for equality. I'm not her equal, I'm her parent. I have significant power over her emotional landscape, and that needs to be taken into account when I play with her.

So, I'll let her draw on my drawing, and eat all the last bites of my dessert. She still has to ask about looking in my purse, but if she want to build a puzzle halfway and then chuck that badboy across the floor, I'm not going to stop playing with her. Probably not even when she does it to my puzzle.

I may just not play as long. Because, after all, I'm also an only child, and we don't stand for that kind of thing.