Winter cleaning

It keeps snowing here, which in my book is pretty awesome.

And when the sun actually comes out, like it did this weekend, I'm a very happy woman.

The blues and yellows and greens of sun on snow.

The dog is pretty pleased, as well.

We are going for a trip soon, so I've been in the house most of the last few days, doing laundry, and trying to just straighten up in general, too. The house, more specifically, the desk, have been getting piled all the way up to my chin with...stuff. Random stuff that it is easier to dump in a pile instead of taking the time to go to 10 different corners of the house to put it away. I keep thinking I'm going to get to throw out a lot of it, but I never do. There are journals, unsent wedding cards, my kid's vaccination card, and all the other things that I do need to attend to and just never do.

And in between the playing in the snow, playing with A's new birthday presents, and cleaning house, I think how nice it would be to have a sibling for A. How much I was hoping that once I made this decision, it would have been easier to get there. Last year, this time, I was pregnant and it lasted 10 weeks. I've been pregnant twice more now, and none have lasted. Last year, in January, we thought that the miscarriage was just a glitch, since I'd carried a child safely to term. This year, I'm back not knowing whether or not we can have another child. I'm on the other side of the miscarriage statistic (the woman who has had some) that I didn't want to be on this side of. I don't hate all pregnant women, and I don't even want to be every pregnant woman I see. Like this lady on the tram the other day in her skinny jeans and wool coat and heels, with a toddler and a belly, and perfectly coiffed hair. I didn't want to be her. It looked uncomfortable, and like too much work. But some days, I do want to be the pregnant lady again, and I'm not. I don't know how it will end, which has been quite the lesson in patience and a non-resolved life.

Tonight, I have a cold and some more laundry to do, and a list to get through in the next few days before we leave. And I'm fine with not being pregnant - with the drugs I can take to help my cough and my nose and my head, with the ham and cheese I can quickly eat standing at the fridge so I don't have to slow down for a real lunch, and for the freedom it gives me. As for tomorrow, we'll see.