Re-learning the lesson

When I was buying my first house, the closing date kept moving. It was a really cute little place, from 1940-something, with one of the best views of the mountains in the poor (read: non-foothills) part of town because the backyard faced a stop sign and had a vacant lot next to it.

Anyway, everytime I'd get an estimate of when I would get the keys, I'd get really excited. The first estimate was just before Halloween, and I started planning the coolest party you could have in a totally empty house. It would be the only time I could fit that many people in there, while there was no furniture yet. It would be amazing.

Nope. Sorry. Termite damage in the walls, the previous owners had to deal with.

I was heartbroken. I'd gotten so excited about having that key, finally, after all the time spent negotiating (without real estate agents), and dreaming about being a homeowner.

It happened again. Another date, another problem - this time they circus-tented the whole thing to treat for termites. It was as if the previous owners could care less about keeping to the deadlines they would set. I was furious.

It happened a third time. Each time, I would get so worked up, celebrating something ahead of time and so upset when it fell through. I remember having to call one of my swing dance friends to go dancing with me just to work off the fury. Each time. I danced a lot that fall.

Anyway, after that third time I realized that there weren't enough dances to get me through this up and down emotional cycle and promised myself to only celebrate having the keys to the house once I actually had the keys to the house. Not one moment before that.

And I calmed down, stopped planning, stopped window shopping at second hand stores and Target for furniture and decor. Eventually, that next time, I actually got the keys, the house was mine and all went well.

But I've kept that promise this whole 10 years since then when there are big life events coming in the future. Or I've tried my best. Believe me, it was hard to do with the wedding planning. To not celebrate too much until we were standing up there in front of family and friends actually getting married.

I got to practice again with my dissertation defense date.

And with trying to get pregnant.

With moving to Switzerland.

And then with carrying the baby to term. Since it had been so hard to conceive, I knew things could go wrong with the pregnancy. So I concentrated on enjoying being pregnant, without letting myself ever spend too much time thinking about what A would be like when she was born or grew up. I thought of myself as pregnant (and not as a mom) until the moment they put A into my arms.

I think it is a good strategy for me. I just get too excited and emotionally invested in the outcomes otherwise. And too angry or full of despair if my expectations aren't met. M calls
me a pessimist for this reason and himself an optimist. But in the end, I think I'm less disappointed with however things turn out when I don't fantasize my preferred ending.

I just had to learn the lesson again, though, this morning. A seems to be on some sort of "yes/no I will/won't breastfeed" cycle that lasts about 12-24 hours. When it is "yes", she's happy as a clam feeding quietly, sleeps better, etc. When its "no", she starts to scream with distress when I try to put her to feed. She'll take the pacifier, a bottle of breastmilk, a bottle of formula....anything but the source. And she's hungry. And it breaks me down. Because it means I'll need to pump which will take up another few hours in the day, and we're already down to scheduling going to pee at this point.

So this morning I was waiting for her to wake up for the 8:30am feeding, and I got to thinking about all these cool projects I'd like to do in the future, and trying to look up a website with some science+culture videos (Max & Jason: Still Up....let me know if they're any good...I never quite made it through the first 30 seconds of the Dubai one) that reminded me of a video project I had.

And I started that already-doomed line of thinking: Who could I work with on something like that here? What about that woman from the mom's group who has worked on films? Should I try to write a longer version of my SPARK article for Physics Today? How about contacting that one sociologist from the AIP to talk to her about the Impostor Syndrome project?

And A woke up. And BAM! Oh no you're NOT going to breastfeed me!

Ok. Ok. I get it. Not today. Not this week. And probably not for at least a few months if not half a year. I get it. Sorry. I cried. I was angry.

But here is the heartening part of the lesson for me. If I really get that excited about science and nature and the wonders of the universe (like some of these projects I was thinking about dealt with), how can I not see the prime example of all of that mystery and wonder and awe right here in front of me, learning to put her hand in her mouth? She just started doing that, like the books said she would. How do babies know to start doing that? How can that behavior be wired in there somewhere? It is mindblowing. And the smiling, she just started really looking at us for a long time and smiling. More than at her favorite black&white pillowcase. Now that is a reward.

And the cooing.

It is amazing. So what am I getting my 2-day old panties in a bunch about with the "projects I want to do about how science and everyday life are inextricable" supposed tragedy, when I have this open question rocking in a hammock in front of me. I'd be an idiot not to just slow down and observe for the next 4 months, since I can. And enjoy, learn, and get some more great material, like:

With all that she's learning everyday, why isn't this baby's head the main friggin' heat source in the apartment right now?