...no one posts about it on Facebook.
You see people post beautiful baby photos. I've done it. I have photos of A crying but I've never put one of those up. And yet, that is what she looks like half of the time. If you had to pick her out of a line-up of crying babies, none of the photos I've sent people would help.
Similarly, I thought I was the only one with depression, until I started talking about it to a friend here or there. I felt pretty ashamed that I seemed to be the only one. But as soon as I told people what I was going through, the stories started pouring in. About all sorts of depression - clinical, medicated, post partum, hereditary, etc. Why had no one shared these stories with me earlier? The people who told me these things included some very close friends.
Again, when we were having a hard time getting pregnant. Those 3 years, each month a disappointment, wondering what was wrong. Getting the wrong advice from the wrong medical professionals. Having to figure out how soon to go see a specialist and how to decide about whether or not to mess with nature. And as soon as I started telling people what we were going through (M has always been very supportive of me doing this, which helps), the stories started coming in. One couple had used IUI, people we knew fairly well and had interacted with during their pregnancy. Another couple had tried for a few years and were about to go to a specialist when they got pregnant. Again, why had no one mentioned this before?
Which is why I decided at some point to put this kind of information about myself out there. So that other people who might have similar problems know they are not alone and that there is someone to talk to. And a few times someone, who is thinking about going to counselling, or who is having trouble getting pregnant, has come to talk with me. Just as a starting point, or to hear what I chose to do, or to vent their frustration. I don't solve anyone's problems, but I know how important it is to me to not feel alone.
So, here I am writing the opposite opinion from the last post. That although everyone has their ups and downs, and I should stop assuming my life is worse, even without them telling me about their life, I find it helps to know what other people go through. Not just the good stuff. Because I may need to ask for their help or advice if I'm going through the same thing. And this is why I'll probably go back to the moms group at some point, because there should be a few moms there who have colicky babies and can understand the stress involved. Just like there should be a few moms with all sorts of different experiences there.
I do post about some of these problems on facebook. Sure, it is personal, and some people will say it isn't appropriate, or it sounds like complaining. But here is the last comparison - all of these situations remind me of another one: the fear of not being smart enough in academia. I know this worry exists in other places, but I've only studied it in academic science, so that is where I can write from.
The way that people tend to post mostly about the good things in life (or at least about the more trivial problems which they are already laughing off), reminds me a lot of the way that students used to only talk about the physics problems they could solve on the homework. One on one, with a close friend, we might have admitted that there was some math process we couldn't understand, but rarely did you see anyone just admit this to a group of students. And yet, everyone was going through it at one time or another. And the professors sure as hell didn't volunteer this kind of information. Lecturers routinely used phrases like "obviously" and "with a little bit of math" and "so it is clear that." So the resulting sense was that everyone but "me" must understand this. And this tendency tends to stifle academic conversations and learning. It leads to some students leaving graduate school. It means there are a lot of intelligent people walking around departments and conferences feeling stupid. Or at least worrying they don't know as much as the person sitting next to them.
So I'm going to go dig up a crying baby photo for Facebook now. Because it is good for some other, future, harried mother or father in my friend list to know they are not alone.
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