All the things I'm not

This week has been more about work than home-life. I've gotten my keys and office space assignment for the part time job I'll be doing, met the secretary and some other group members, worked on the informal education piece of a proposal, and on the "attracting more women to science" part of a proposal. Even made a day trip to Bern to do part of this. Very cute city. Not much time to look around for touristy purposes, but at least got a feel for the place. It is now on the "we should go back there" list for Switzerland, along with Lausanne.

Tomorrow (ok, later today), however, goes back to being about home and family life. We have another ultrasound today. And then, since we worked on Saturday (when everything was closed due to the national holiday, but very much covered in Swiss flags), we go do some furniture shopping for the new apartment.

And none of this is what was on my mind to write about.

One of the most surprising things to me about being pregnant is how my relationship with clothing has changed. As soon as I knew I was pregnant, actually. Not only did I kind of stop caring so much about looking exactly the right way (which I'm sure could be the topic of many counseling sessions), but more subtle for me and yet more powerful was that I stopped trying to suck in my belly.

Yes. Ok. Some of you have now had a number of responses which are along the lines of "oh please, you've got to be kidding me." But I guess this was the point of the title of the post. It hit me exactly how much I've learned to worry and obsess about all the things I'm not, rather than the things I am, when it comes to body image. I think most women are encouraged to think this way - from clothing ads, magazines, the "I wish I had your....." banter which almost seems to be a required part of polite female conversation, the movies, etc. It is rarely about what you actually are, than all the things that could be different. And as soon as I was pregnant, and knew I was pregnant, I felt like I jumped (or fell) off that "suck it in" train. And it has been kind of nice.

Ok, really nice. I mean, let me be clear, I still look at maternity clothes (or clothes that will fit) and care about the color and texture. I still change what I'm wearing some mornings before I go out. But I do less of that than I did, and I'm sort of freed of even looking at most things on a hanger that aren't mu-mu-dress-shaped. And the fact that I my waist isn't small is completely fine. It may have been a subtle change but it has been really powerful. Partially because even society is on the same page with me - "they" all also think it is fine. And although that is nice, it is kind of like when the judgmental girl (when it wasn't you) at school suddenly stops making fun of your pants because you've broken your leg and have a cast. Or something like that. It is just like some grip has been let go. Like I'm human, but not really. Ok, it isn't that fundamental probably, but it feels pretty good. To not suck it in anymore.

I guess I've often bought into the idea that how I was dressed could change something fundamental about me, and that has pretty much always been proven wrong. Like the day I got married - sadly, that white dress didn't transform me into a better, nicer, more anything version of myself. It was still me, with all my hang-ups and feelings and strengths and fears, walking down that aisle. I guess I'm glad I chose a less expensive option, because I probably would have been pretty pissed otherwise. "$2000 and I'm still me!? you've got to be kidding!"

One of my nieces, J, recently told me a great story about a conversation with her dad. In fact, she told me the day I found out I was pregnant. She was feeling "not so pretty" one morning at school, which made her feel kind of bad. She called home, and her dad answered the phone. Despite being a bit hesitant about whether or not he'd understand her dilemma (I saw her point, it kind of is a girl thing), she told him how she felt. And he had the greatest answer. He asked her "you know how people usually look about the same. People you know, day to day, whether they are in pajamas or a fancy dress, sick or not, they are still uniquely themselves, you recognize them, and they look more or less the same?" "Yes, sure." "Well, the same goes for you. Did you think you looked nice yesterday or sometime in the last few days?" "Yes." "Ok, well, you still look pretty much the same today." I love this story. It is such an insightfully different way to think about how you look on any given day, which is such a reminder that you're pretty much the same looking to many people, no matter what your mirror and psyche is telling you. Great, great explanation.

Keep in mind, I'm not suddenly an enlightened being in any way. I still look at how other people are dressed - I think that is something I'll always notice. I still look at clothes in stores. But I walk around outside and it is perfectly ok how I look, because I feel like I've been given that freedom, even by the most powerful media counterforces. It is a nice, little, safe-haven to exist in for a while. It has made me think a lot about how strong body-image messages actually are. Just like with my status as far as swine-flu is concerned, I'm in a population which is an exception to the general rules applied to people, but in this case, it is rules for how I should look. How much of this is my perception versus outside messages? Who knows. You probably can't really separate that anyway. But it sure is nice to feel like I'm off the hook for a bit.

Now I need to go back to sleep and rest up for all the caring I'm going to do later today about how my aparment will look. Suck it in, sectional and wardrobe! Sigh.