Thankyou...thankyou...thankyou...thankyou

I've started feeling better. So soon after starting the medicine. I'm no longer expending all my energy trying to keep from falling apart. It was as if there were 100 little strings tied improperly to each other, the knots constantly untying, to keep me together, and I was spending all my time retying them as they slipped apart. And I was a collection of marbles in the middle, about to disperse if any knot opened. And now, I'm just a solid piece of clay. The strings can fall, all of them. I won't fall apart.

Yesterday was going to be my first day of gratitude, too, with the end of breastfeeding. 

But I hadn't counted on my milk supply. My body.

Many women wean gradually, dropping one feed every week. Or at least every few days. I did that last time too, even though I was pumping exclusively, and over a month, I was done. There was a last pumped bottle before starting anti-depressants last time and the pump got stored.

This time it's different. I've been producing a lot of milk, and it is going to be an uncomfortable, sometimes painful process to stop. I need to watch that I don't get an infection, to pump only a bit of milk until things are feeling better. And it means I've been feeling like "I should really breastfeed" a lot these last two days. It is making the gratitude-by-way-of-ignoring thing really hard. I'm constantly reminded that I could still be breastfeeding if I wasn't depressed. I'm still having to spend a non-negligible amount of time pumping and throwing it down the sink. And when I go check Google for any more hints on "rapid/emergency weaning", I'm having to avoid the sites that, in the middle of all the good advice, have one bullet point like "#5 make sure you're really ready to wean. most medical problems do not require weaning and you can find a way to continue breastfeeding." Ouch. No, no I can't. I already tried my best and it didn't work.

I tried, in quiet moments, falling asleep (which I can finally do, again!), to tell my body I want it to stop making milk. But that's a lie. Sure, I've made a choice, but I don't love my choice and I can't say that honestly. And then I remembered a poster I'd seen online, which said something like "This Sucks and Thank You are impossible to think at the same time." And it gave me a little window to crawl out of, and I just started thanking my body, for all it had done in the last 18 months to produce and nurture life. For being pregnant, giving up nutrients, giving up energy, pushing a baby out, holding and rocking him, and, feeding him. And, finally, for taking to these anti-depressants so well and letting me start feeling better.

So that's where I've come to a stop. At "Thank You", especially to the breasts, whenever I can. Because "This Sucks" is also hovering around a lot right now. Just, not as much as two days ago.