Ripping off the band-aid...to put on a...cast?

Ok, that metaphor isn’t going to work. Is it even a metaphor? I kind of can’t think anymore, so I’m not even sure.

Turns out, I can start anti-depressants right away, yay! Which means I also have to stop breastfeeding at the same time, boo. But it also means I won’t have as much time to mourn the end and I’m probably mourning more because I’m not on anti-depressants. boo-yay?

Tomorrow I stop one to start the other. Tomorrow I will be all about gratitude for what I did have, and the upside of ending this phase of life. I’m good at finding the upsides. I’ve already bought pesto sauce to go with dinner because who hasn’t eaten any onions or garlic for 5 months? Yeah, over here.

But today, I’m still sad. And I still get to grieve. I’m letting myself still be sad (how is it that it is so hard to allow oneself a bit of sadness, too?), and tomorrow things will be different. And tomorrow night it may be Baby J’s turn to grieve a little. Or, he’ll drink his bottle, snuggle into my or M’s arms, and get all sleepy again anyway. Who knows.

All I know is that sad is ok. And then it is okay for me to do something extreme to make sad be over.