Last night I was awake at 1am, unable to sleep, because I had just woken and fed the baby.
Tonight, I am awake at 1am, unable to sleep, because the baby hasn't woken yet.
In my tossing and turning and anxiousness because the baby wasn't crying, A, whom I was sleeping next to, and who had just clocked me in the head in her sleep, woke and started quietly crying.
"Oh no, just don't get louder and wake the baby!" my most contradictory brain thought.
"What's wrong?" I asked her.
"I don't want to sleep alone." She told me.
At which point I proceeded to not really listen to what I had written about last time. While I didn't try to talk her out of thinking she was going to be alone sometimes (like when I couldn't sleep), I tried to wrap up the whole interaction immediately. Turns out, I'm really bad with letting my kid have her worries or pain and sitting with her in it. I'm scared of where it is going, that it will get worse if I sit there with her in that emotional space. I'm scared that it will be about me, probably.
Let's just agree, I'm not very good at staying with her when she is sad. Or mad. About something that involves me. That is the part I personally cannot tolerate. And wish I could.
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