I hate sleep training

And yet, I'm here, upstairs at 11pm, while baby J cries and screams. I hate the crying. I hate the screaming even more. I hate the uncertainty, as a mom and baby who have always had a complex relationship to breastfeeding, of whether or not he's hungry 4 hours after his last feed. He's slept already, at 6 months, with only one feed a night and I think he can do it, but I hate not having any other way but a quick pat and a few hums of his sleeptime song, to communicate "not feeding time yet". Last night it was an hour, from 10pm to 11pm. I was in the room for about half of it.

I'm now trying to just go in every 15 min., once I've left. (I still sleep in there for my ability not to wake too much during the middle of the night feed but also because right now this family is getting more sleep with us each in separate rooms).

I hate how now, after a month of colds and complications, or ear infections, coughs, croup and teething, he's more insistent, cries louder. And that the suggestion is to have time go all night without a feed. And while training him on that, to let him cry through teething pain and cold symptoms but not serious problems like croup or an ear infection. Even if I agreed with that plan, how are you supposed to know where one ends and the other begins? Or a fever, or a dirty diaper? This is the part about sleep training I hate and may not be able to weather so well. Because although I believe it can work, and will, I think it means letting your baby cry in pain or discomfort sometimes because you're waiting him or her out. Like tonight - I'm waiting for it to be less than an hour, less than last night's crying. And if he was having real problems, it would mean I was letting him suffer those for up to an hour before actually responding.

So there, I hate sleep training because it involves the real potential for letting a sick, feverish, or soiled baby cry for an hour. Or a baby who feels hunger. That is part of the deal. And that is shitty.

It doesn't mean I won't do it, but it does mean I'll do it my way. Because the guilt is on me for this, no one else. And I don't like to sweep the ugly parts of a process under the rug so that I'm more comfortable with it. I want to to be honest about what, exactly, a process like this entails.

11:15pm. 30 minutes after waking, and he seems to be asleep, just at the mark where I would have gone in again to pat, fix his pajama if needed, smell the air, touch his forehead and hum a few bars. I expect he'll now wake between 1 and 2am to feed and I'll feed him.

11:18pm. Nope. Still awake, another wail comes out of the bedroom. My heart sinks a bit again. My body silently prays that he falls asleep. I hate this.

11:27pm. I've gone in, unhooked his hands from the crib and put him back in sitting or laying position a few times - baby J can stand now, which is what he does immediately when he wakes this week - and patted his bum, told him it is time to sleep, hummed a few bars. Hating. No stinky diaper smell, no fever. Came upstairs again to, oh cruel world, have a snack while I refuse to feed him. Yeah, feeling like a lovely human being right now. He's sounding calmed down again, but I'll wait another 10 minutes before I head back down there to try to go back to sleep. What if he is still awake and starts crying again?

That is the hardest part of this for me, not knowing my breaking point where I go pick him up and feed him. I feel very uncomfortable with "as long as it takes," because of the potential for things to go wrong. And to turn off my responding to his cries. That is the other thing this process does, makes you start to ignore baby cries and that isn't all good.

11:33pm. Whimpers and cries start again. Crap, crap, crap. Silence. What if he makes it to an hour? Then what? What do I do? What if I feed him tonight, at midnight? Another crappy thing about this process that I have yet to write about - then I feel like a failure at the process and like I've wasted his and my time maybe. And this part, the not wanting to "fail" at sleep training is another thing that raises my warning signal. This letting him cry a while longer so I don't fail at something that is made up, no one seems to know why or how it works just that it does in a real coarse way. Stupid.

11:46pm. Fuck. It doesn't seem any better. I went in again, same shit. I'm getting angry now, at the whole sleep training community. Bullshit stories of "crying an hour the first night and then sleeping through until 7am, and then sleeping 11 hours straight every night since". All I know is, 14 more minutes and I'll feed him, feel like a failure, wonder when he will ever learn to sleep better and I will get to sleep a long stretch again, and hope like hell he doesn't wake up at 3am. I hate this hate this hate this. I am not in control and I hate this.

Quiet again. But my whole body is now awake and on alert and not believing that I'll be lucky tonight, that I won't have to make the decision in 14 minutes.

12 midnight. Quiet. Shit. I mean, sure, good, but just as long as last night, if not longer. I hate this. I've been up for 1 hour 15 minutes, hated most of it, and now I need to go back to sleep and pray it doesn't happen exactly the same tomorrow night, Because 3 nights, of crying at 10 or 11pm...that I most likely my limit. I back off then, and feed him a few times a night again and wait until I'm okay letting him go all night without a feed and try again.