Do I want my daughter to be nice?

Last week there were a number of discussions on Facebook about a blog post on girls and the concept of "nice." The original post was about not wanting a daughter to feel she had to smile at others for no other reason than that is what women are supposed to do. There were various reactions to the post - it really hit home with me on the point of not feeling like it is my job to put others' feeling comfortable above my own, but there were valid arguments against how the author wrote about her daughter's personality and what she was trying to say as a mother.

This "nice" construct can be such a maze of things I want to encourage and discourage in A. Each time we are on the escalators at a train station during morning rush hour, I remind her to stand to the right and let people on the left walk up past. I do want her to be considerate of others. Each time she gets out a snack we already talked about sharing (or, really any food), in front of her close friend (who ALWAYS shares and never seems to have issues with it), I remind her it is a good thing to share with people who share with you. I stop short of saying (although it is always just below the surface), that if you don't share, people won't share with you, because it feels like a threat. I don't want her to be scared. And yet I'm physically holding myself back from all sorts of strong reactions where she doesn't want to share. There is definitely my own shit to deal with on that topic, still, because my feelings are so strong. I'm embarassed (and obviously not a champion speller), I feel like it says something about my whole family and who we are, and maybe I'm worried that people won't like me if my kid doesn't share. And at the end of the day, I'm scared to let my kid possibly lose a friend who really enriches her life. At the same time as I think she really should experience consequences of her actions. But, since this sharing of food from the other end comes at the reminder of a mother, and just doesn't entail as much of a strong reaction as it does with my child, it isn't just about the two kids.

Come to think of it, when they are on their own, they share most things better than when I'm there. I've removed myself from the room where they are playing many times to get out of the way of a perfectly functional (and sometimes not) relationship they have.

Oh food, why you gotta be so complicated?

So, I'm not really sure where I put the line on being nice. I want it to help my kid know how to be a part of society that helps increase the good in the world, without the concept of "nice girl" or "good girl" tempting her too often to put people at ease in cases where it makes her feel lesser. And that is a pretty hard thing to figure out. Compassion and politeness versus calling out people's bullshit. Case by case, really, isn't it? Or maybe it is about knowing when you're feeling too used and readjusting.

I do know I'm scared to let A do the snack thing on her own. She so wants her own snacks. That no one touches, and on one level I get that. But she also so wants a bite of your, and my, and her friend's snacks. I guess it is time for me to rethink my own relationship with food and sharing first. For now, I'm of the "if you don't want to share it, don't show it in front of others" camp. You can keep things for yourself, but don't be waving them in front of another child.

It is now 4am. Hopefully I'll just be tired again soon. Maybe I'm hungry. Time, also, to go visit my secret snacks stash.