60 seconds more

My brain is usually revving like an engine, overflowing with ideas and thoughts, when I'm feeling normal. Which I'm not feeling these days. I'm pregnant again.

Which is also why I've not written in months.

I've been out of it. Only thinking one thought at a time. Or per day, even, other than "blech, I feel bad again, and I'm not sure if I'm hungry, but maybe eating something random will help."

I'm slow. I'm sure I was slow last time, with A in my belly, but I notice it more this time.

Until about a week ago, thinking about writing made me nauseous, as did trying to do anything in German. Thinking, in general, made me sick.

I'm better these days, a fact for which I am extremely grateful, and German doesn't make me want to throw up anymore. But I'm still slow.

And there is a sweet little silver lining to that slowness - I've slowed down to a better pace for many of those around me. I'm not as impatient, mostly because I'm just tired, and really happy to just sit for another minute. Or twenty.

I routinely take another minute, another 60 seconds, waiting for A to hear or comply with something I've asked of her. And with the dog, I take another 60 seconds to let her sniff a spot I would have formerly pulled her away from once she'd done her business.

I don't try to cram 3 events (or even errands) into an afternoon with A anymore, and it feels much more sane. More calm. I like this version of myself better.

Who knows if I'll be able to keep it up once I'm no longer pregnant. It is hard to calm my thoughts and impatience. And to calm the fears of not having accomplished enough in a day of errands and emails.

At least I'll have had a good many months' practice.