Who knew I could hate a holiday more than Valentine's Day?

2:06am. Night feeding finished by team effort again. Baby A is on her belly (just you try and flip her over) and finallyasleep again.

Last mothers day I was pregnant. 2 months. It was exciting. I felt like someone who could celecrate motherhood.i looked forward to today when I'd be a real mom.

And here it is. I handed baby A over to M in tears yesterday when I had tried fir a second time to get her to nap unsuccessfully. I yelled "I hate that baby." happy mothers day.

I didn't think this was what motherhood was going to be like. I was going to be totally in love with this baby by now. We'd understand each other and I would know how to soothe, feed, and put this baby to sleep.

And instead I'm packing suit cases full of our clothes to go to a program I desperately hope teaches me to love her. Because I don't even know if I love her.

It doesn't feel like I thought it would. She isn't the love of my life. I smile and laugh and interact with her many times but at other times I'm exhausted and I just want to run away. I don't want to be responsible for making her scream yet again for nap time, or cry during another feeding. Gas? Pain? Some other reason? I can't tell when she is in pain vs hungry vs tired vs frustrated. All cries sound the same to me. (Hint: this is not where you give me advice on what baby cries sounds like. I've heard other babies in the hospital and could read them better after 10 min than I can baby A after 5 1/2 months.)

I don't feel like a mom. I feel like a caretaker. I feel like I put 100% of myself into thus everyday and by 3pm I'm in tears not sure what she wants. How can I not know? How can I not even care by that time many days? Where is that fierce love? How come I just feel numb, silent where I thought I would feel emotion. I am good to her because I believe that is how it should work, not because I can't help myself with love.

I don't even know that I feel she is really my daughter. I look into her face and I don't recognize her like I thought I would by now.

It breaks my heart.

I walk out on her screaming in her crib because I'm just out of everything. "Who cares, don't go to sleep stupid baby. Scream instead of settling. Fine. Leave me alone!"

She doesn't melt in my arms. Does she even differentiate between me and anyone else?

I often worry that we made a huge mistake having a child. I don't know what I was thinking. It isn't at all like I expected. I'm so tired, so sad, so empty. And heading off to a hospital with a psych ward for help learning to read my own baby.

I need other people to teach me about my own child. I don't feel like a mom. I feel like a huge phony celebrating mothers day.

My biggest wish was to know her. Who she is. And to accept that like I believe every person deserves. Not to change her or try to force her into some mold. And yet here I am and I can't even tell hunger from tired. And yelling that I hate her because I feel like a failure when 10 min into her screaming and writhing I still can never tell if I'm pushing a nap on her and stressing her out or if it is a necessary process for her to scream and fight before sleeping. And it makes me feel like a bad person to have pinned her arms down at her sides, to keep pushing back from her arching, to keep covering her eyes with a cloth. Because you get to a place where you realize you may be holding her too tight. And it just makes me want to cry, because there I am maybe just terrifying her when all I wanted to do is help her sleep so that the afternoon would go better. So she wouldn't get overtired, so the night might go well. I wanted to help and I can't tell if I am hurting instead.

I can't tell. And at some point I don't even care anymore and I need to put her down and walk out of the room.

happy mothers day.